I Wish
by MYBIGBLUEBOX
Summary: She has always lived in crippling solitude, a loneliness that is never filled. Sara’s thoughts, set before she and Grissom got together. Very dark. "The rain continued to pour and the world outside Sara’s window continued to move with an uneasy grace."


-1I Wish 

Title: I Wish

Author: MYBIGBLUEBOX

Series: C.S.I

Rating: T

Genre: angst

Spoilers: none

Characters: Sara Sidle, Gil Grissom

Disclaimer: God knows how many times you've all read these disclaimers but I'm going to say it all again just coz. I don't own these fantastic characters they are all property of channel 5, CBS productions and the writer.

Summary: She has always lived in crippling solitude, a loneliness that is never filled. Sara's thoughts, set before she and Grissom got together. Very dark.

Dedications: Everyone who's read anything I've done over the years and gave their constructive criticism.

Warnings: none

He never noticed her. All he ever noticed were the books that lay on the selves, covered in years worth of dust and the evidence. That's all he ever saw, his vision blocked by DNA, procedures and the latest research on the collection and interpretation of DNA. Wasn't she worth more than that? Wasn't the love she'd held for him for so long worth more than that? If only he wasn't so blind, if only he saw her for what she really was, if only.

Sara watched the rain patter gently against her window as she lay curled up on her sofa, in her darkened flat. Only the stale yellow street lamps from the outside world provided a reminder that the world still existed outside her flat. The dull ache of her heart filled her with each new beat, the familiar pain no longer filling her eyes with tears. Glancing around her small apartment Sara thought over her troubled life, the pain she had seen, caused and felt still haunted her after all these years.

How could anything else hurt her after what had happened to her father, what he had done to her? She was a fighter, everyone said so, but at the dead of night when no one was around Sara didn't feel like a fighter anymore. HE didn't notice her, HE didn't know she was alive, how could she be brave, he made her strong.

Still gazing at through the darkness Sara could just make out the picture frames on her windowsill. Everyone was there, Nick, Cath, War, her brother, even her Mom, but no Grissom. Still the centre of the windowsill remained bare where the photo frame of 'her other half' should have sat. The dust had gathered, the space still unfilled. How would it ever hold a picture? Who was she kidding, who was going to love her? Poor Sara, damaged goods, what was she worth to anyone? Even her own mother had abandoned her. A new found despair swept over her as the lonely blackness that lingered in her heart consumed her.

What had she ever done to deserve the torment and anguish God had dealt her? No one should have to live in this agony, 4 am, Christmas eve and unlike so many others across the world Sara didn't have anyone to get drunk with, to watch soppy Christmas films with. Sara had no one to cuddle up in bed with, she had no one to open gifts with, she had no one to make breakfast for in the morning. Sara was isolated, and she knew it all to well.

What would he care if she was alone? Would he even notice? Suddenly even their friendship was worth nothing to him anymore. She'd lost her best friend, the one man she'd ever trusted, over what? She didn't even remember, just the pain, always the pain and overbearing loneliness that was her life.

God, she needed him so much right now. Didn't he see? Didn't he understand? Didn't he care? She never showed him, never told him how much she desperately needed him in her life, how she needed love.

Sara blinked as a solitary tear fell down her face. Didn't she deserve love? All she wanted was for someone to wrap her up and cradle her in a warm, dark place somewhere and keep her safe forever. Outside she was a doll, fixed in an eternal smile, inside she had died long ago.

She was always one of those hopeless romantics underneath, under all the bravado and shrugging off comments about marriage. She didn't want anyone to see, couldn't let anyone see just how weak she really was.

The rain continued to pour and the world outside Sara's window continued to move with an uneasy grace, oblivious to the silent mourning of the woman in flat 46 B. Like fat, black tears the shadows of the rain drops slid down her face, the only portrayal of her inner sorrow. Gazing through the mist of tears and darkness Sara found a lone star shining like a beacon in the dark. Suddenly regressed into the innocence of a child in her grief Sara wished on that star. She prayed like a fervent Christian for the love she never had, for the pain to go away, for Grissom to noticed that she still drew breath.

Satisfied with tonight's begging for mercy Sara turned away from the window to face the back of the couch, curling her arms around herself.

In the dark of his apartment Grissom awoke from a fitful sleep. Raking a hand through his fuzzed hair an urgency dawned on him that had not bothered him for weeks. He needed to hear her voice. Suddenly she was the centre of his world again, she was everything. Picking his cell up off his nightstand Grissom hit the speed dial and Sara's name sprung up onto the display. She didn't need to be alone, not anymore.

As you can probably guess I was feeling a little lonely as I wrote this. It is very miserable and for that I apologise, I tried to make the ending as optimistic as possible. Please review and let me know what you think.

I deleted this the first time around because no one was reviewing. After having a chat with someone on the forums I've decided to post again.


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